


Nothing is Stopping you Except What’s Inside, I can Help you but it's your Fight

by Archaeodigit_dima



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Ash is protective of his captain and won't take any of his shit, Ash is slowly healing, Fluff, Hugh wants to be a match maker, Lorca wants to protect him but hasn't realized it yet, M/M, Other tags to be added, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, There is going to be some violent flash backs, there is totally going to be angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2019-02-17 21:22:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13085625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Archaeodigit_dima/pseuds/Archaeodigit_dima
Summary: This is going to be a multi-chapter fic. Ash is dealing with his own issues of not knowing how people could be concerned about him. Ash is protective of everyone else but won't accept the same from others. Lorca is concerned about him, like he worries about every single person on his ship ... he just sucks at displaying it.





	1. Two Survivors, Two Injuries

**Author's Note:**

> Lorca and Ash are running yet another practice simulation ... standard? On the discovery nothing is ever standard.

Captain Lorca and I had been training together in the holodeck; nothing really strange in that, the man was absolutely militant about staying well trained and prepared. That meant we were in this simulator twice a day, everyday. Lorca didn’t know the meaning of a day off or a break. I knew that some people on this ship thought this was because he was a war mongering asshole. I could see why they might think that but from my time with him on the Klingon vessel, I knew that he cared for his crew and trusted them. He had had full confidence that they would not fall apart, that they would find him.  
Lorca was training them so that the ship could function without him. He knew the importance of this ship and its role in protecting the federation from of a species that wanted to destroy us all. He cared, so he pushed everyone to be at their best in order that they could all be safe. He didn’t care where people came from or what they did in the past, only that they could add to the crew, make them safer. 

“Tyler! Where is your head at?” Lorca’s gruff tone echoed in my head.  
“Captain,” I gave a quick reply taking his six, where I was supposed to be before my mind took a vacation. 

We were practicing an infiltration mission on a Klingon vessel. We had “beamed” onto the ship in an attempt to both gain intel in the form of computer data, and figure out how strong their forces were. No part of the computer information extraction had been within our skill sets. There had been a lot of hushed curses from Lorca and I. Eventually we had successfully downloaded the information to our data pad; either that or the computer had taken mercy on us. I had expressed that belief aloud which earned me a glared from the captain and a rather hard punch on my arm.  
While on our way back to the rendezvous point, there was a strange surge in the holodeck’s system. The lighting in the vessel had been extremely low, the way the Klingon’s tended to keep their ships. Apparently they didn't need a lot of light to see. I personally thought it was because they are a melodramatic species and were trying to create the right ominous tone. The only plus side of this environment was that the light levels were perfect for Lorca’s photosensitive eyes. The system surge changed all that with an extended bright flash of light, which was painful even to me. Lorca couldn’t help but cry out in pain with the intensity of the light burning into his eyes. I turned around just in time to see him trip in his disorentienation, landing awkwardly on his left ankle. 

“Fuck!” Lorca hissed as he hit the ground.  
“Captain?!” I asked, concerned by the fact that he hadn’t gotten back up immediately.  
“My ankle … I think I broke it,” he said through clenched teeth. 

I went to help the captain up and to walk but as soon as he got up I noticed the odd angle that it was hanging at. 

“That is definitely broken,” I commented pulling his arm over my shoulder to keep him up right. “The computer should have ended the session once it detected yout injury.”  
“It shouldn’t have also caused that flash of light and yet here we are,” Lorca grumbled, still wincing in pain. 

The sass took me by surprised, he was normally overly serious about everything. I knew he was acting like that because he was in pain and was trying to distracting himself from it. 

“I guess we are going to have to get to the RV where we were to be beamed back to get out of this simulation,” I commented as we started to walk again. Well hop in Gabriel’s case.  
“Makes-“ Lorca began to say then there was a shot that hit the wall just ahead of us. 

I looked behind me and saw a large group of Klingons coming our way, they were rather heavily armed, looking ready to kill us. This simulation had taken a very strange turn for the worse. 

“Lieutenant I think that we need to get there soon,” Lorca stated rather calmly considering the situation.  
“I think you are right,” I said, as one of the Klingons continued to fire. One of the shots me in the shoulder.

I grunted at the hit. It wasn’t as painful as it would have been had if this been real but it still stun quite a bit.  
I started to move forward with Lorca’s arm still around my shoulder and neck. It wasn’t the fastest but we were making some progress, although the simulator Klingons were gaining quickly. It was slow moving especially with the constant twisting to around to take some shots at the Klingons and to avoid taking any hits. In our haste, Gabriel tried to make a run for it, stupidly forgetting about his broken ankle - or he was just being plain stupid, I really hope it was the former. I was surprised by how far he made it before he collapsed into a clump on the ground about. 

“Stubborn idiot,” I muttered under my breath as I made it over to him. 

I kneeled in front of him taking out the klingons that had been tailing us. I counted that there had been about nine following us. I had a feeling that more would pop up soon judging by how this simulation had been going. 

“Captain?” I asked lowering my weapon.  
“Tyler,” came a serious response as he pushed himself into a more dignified sitting position.  
“We need to get moving and go to the RV,” I explained. “Do you think you can stand?”  
“Standing is not the issue, it is getting there. The simulation appears to have a mind of its own. I think it is best for you to leave me and get to the RV. Then once you deactivate the holodeck you can return for me with Dr Culber.”  
“Great in theory sir, but this simulation is far beyond normal, I doubt it will end if only I return.”  
“Lieutenant this is what you should do and if we are ever in this situation on an actual Klingon ship I would expect you to leave me here.”

Had he really not learned my personality by now? If he thinks I am ever going to leave my captain behind to be captured by Klingons, simulated or real, Lorca was deluding himself. 

“Not happening sir.”

With that statement I did something that would probably get me court marshalled. I picked up Lorca, fireman style, slung around my shoulders. 

“Ash!” Lorca yelled indignantly.  
“Captain you are just going to have to trust me on this,” I replied running forward desperately trying to remember the route we had taken.

When we had gotten about four hundred meters from the rendezvous about fifteen Klingons appeared surrounding us. This wasn’t going to end well that was for sure … painfully was the most likely.

“Tyler …” Lorca warned as I came to a dead stop. “Back to back, pass me a weapon.”

I did as he told me, slowly lowering him to his feet. Gabriel leaned some of his weight against my back making me lean forward a bit, slightly off balance. I raised my weapon at the ready; the Klingons could simply fire and take us out but they waited for us to make the first move. It was a standoff, an awkward one. I had a feeling that this would end with me feeling like I had walked headfirst multiple times into an electrified fence. Don’t ask me why I knew what walking into an electrified fence felt like, I was a dumb teenager.

“Fire first?” I asked.  
“Always,” Lorca responded. “Take out as many as you can before they start firing back.”  
“On your mark.”  
“Three,” Lorca shifted so he had most of his weight on his good foot.  
“Two,” I lifted my weapon to take aim at the two closest Klingons.  
“One, fire.”

I opened fire on the two Klingons in quick succession. I felt the movement of Lorca doing the same as he shifted to fire at the simulated Klingons around us. I managed to take out five of them before those remaining began to return fire. I instinctively dodged out of the way forgetting that the Captain had been leading some of his weight onto me. As soon as I moved he lost his balance and began to fall. I lunged forward to catch him before he hit the ground. In my efforts, I ended up being in the line of fire from one of Klingon’s weapons. The shot barely grazed me but it felt like I walked straight into an electrified cattle fence. Sadly my feeling earlier had to be right. 

“Damn it,” I said through gritted teeth as I accidentally dropped my weapon from the shock. 

I scrambled to pick up the gun. My hands were shaking and they felt fat with the numbness the hit had induced. I had to push my mind past it and focus through the haze of pain. I re-aimed at the remaining Klingons, as Lorca did the same. But just as we were about to fire the simulation suddenly ended. 

“Simulation ended. Two survivors, two injuries,” the computers mechanical voice called.  
“Sure now it decided to complete itself,” I sighed.

I leaned against the wall of the holodeck for a few minutes waiting for the effects of the simulated weapon hit to subside. Neither Lorca or I spoke or moved; there was just the sounds of us both breathing heavily. Once my hands felt like they were a normal size again I decided it was probably time to get out of here before a new hellish simulation decided to come to life to kill us for real this time.  
I pulled myself up an offered my and to help Lorca up. Instead he stubbornly tired to stand on his own, swaying uneasily on his good foot. Sighing at him, I put my hand on his back to steady him. Lorca stiffened at the hand for a moment, I held my breath hoping that I hadn’t just overstepped, but eventually he relaxed - crisis averted. After a moment, I grabbed his hand and gently pulled it over my shoulder; allowing Lorca to lean some of his weight onto me. To my surprise he actually accepted the help instead of trying to hobble on his own. 

“We should get you to Dr Culber so he can fix that ankle of yours before you make it worse,” I commented. 

Gabriel turned to look a me, he had a snarky smile on his face with one eyebrow raised as if to say “really?” But that quickly faded to a frown and then to a look of concern. All of which confused the hell out of me.

“He is going to need to take a look at you too,” Lorca commented.

Gabriel lifted a hand to my face and brushed something away from the side of my mouth. I froze at the touch. It was as if I had been stunned by the simulator again, but instead of pain I felt a tingling, a bit of excitement and a whole lot of uneasiness. I should not have enjoyed that touch as much as I did. Lorca’s look of concern had made me feel wanted? Not in the way that L’Rell had wanted me, not to use me like she had. This was different. At the same time I was questioning if it was okay to feel like this, comfortable that my Captain was concerned about me. 

Come on Ash, focus here. 

“That last hit did more than just stun you,” Lorca continued. “Your bleeding.”

He held up his hand for me to see my own blood on his finger tips. Sure enough I began to notice a coppery taste, that of blood, in my mouth that I had been completely ignorant to only a few minutes earlier. I wiped at the side of my mouth and sure enough my hand came back tinged with red. 

“I … hadn’t notice,” I muttered, it was the truth.  
“Hmm,” came Lorca’s response. He didn’t sound sceptical, just curious and almost worried.  
“Shall we head out?” I asked.  
“Yes,” Lorca nodded as he spoke. “And Tyler?”  
“Sir?”  
“If you ever breathe a word to anyone about you carrying me over your shoulder I will demote you and reinstate lavatory cleaning duty just for you.”  
“Yes sir, duly noted,” I replied with a chuckle, knowing full well that he would.


	2. Survivors? Yes Intact? That’s a Negative

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to heal up and figure out what the hell went wrong. Ash is conflicted.
> 
> Hope you enjoy

“Enough with the light,” I said pushing Dr Culber’s hand away as he checked my pupil contractions for the eighth time, and I wasn’t exaggerating. The constant bright light was beginning to make me nauseous.   
“You are starting to sound like Captain Lorca” came a slightly disgruntled response from Hugh.   
“My eyes are starting to sympathize with him,” I responded, regretting the words immediately, praying he didn’t hear them as he interrogated Stamets about the holodeck malfunction. I knew Lorca didn’t like being reminded about his eyes, and knowing the reason behind the injury I understood why.   
“I have to make sure that you don’t have a concussion or anything else. I am not trusting any of this technology until we figure out why the holodeck tried to kill the two of you.”

That explained why Hugh had put a splint on Lorca’s ankle instead of healing it with one of the many medical wonders he had at his disposal. The commander seemed to be regarding all his technology with suspicion. 

“Lieutenant Stamets tell me again why the Holodeck acted in the way it did?” The captain's voice was steely, coming from the other side of the medbay.   
“You may need the technology to put Stamets back together after this talk,” I responded with some humor. I received a punch on the arm for my trouble.   
“Get out of here,” Hugh chimed. “It appears you only have slight concussion from the shock which caused some kind of blood vessel to burst at the same time. You will probably be a bit disoriented and off balance for a few days.”  
“That is just wonderful,” I said sarcastically.   
“The Captain got the better deal. Once Paul .. I mean Lieutenant Stamets gives me the all clear I can fixed his ankle … your brain not so much.”

Sighing I hopped off the examine table. Immediately I noticed what Hugh meant about being disorientated. I lightly touched the table for support, hoping no one saw. The room appeared to be sliding down. How did I not notice this before? 

“We had better go supervise their discussion before there are more injuries,” I commented as I started to walk towards the rather heated discussion.   
“All grab mine you grab yours,” High said nonchalantly as he walked in front of me to Paul.  
“Wait … what?” I asked trying to process what he had just insinuated.   
“It appears that with all the mycelia jumps we never took into account the effect some programs may experience from it. Especially when a jump happens while the system is still running,” the Lieutenant stated calmly. Lorca was staring Stamets down while standing on crutches. 

I watched Lorca’s expression as he thought through what Stamets had just said. Well confessed more accurately, I did not want to be him right now.

“Lieutenant, are you saying that his whole holodeck malfunction is because you completed an unauthorized mycelial jump, without issuing a Black Alert throughout the ship?” The Captain had his overly calm voice that meant he was not calm, at all.  
“Well, Captain, the jump was authorized by you for standard testing. The black alert did sound throughout the ship, however -“ Stamets trailed off making several elaborate hand gestures that had become part of his method of communication since he infused himself with Tardigrade DNA. Michael had told me that this was not how he acted before hand. Stamets had apparently been serious and fact drive; Michael made it clear that she has preferred that version of him, everyone else would disagree with her.   
“However?” I asked, pressing for information. 

Stamets looked to Hugh for a moment who nodded reassuringly. 

“However it appears that the holodeck had a subprotocol that was blocking the ship wide announcement from being broadcast into the holodeck when there is a simulation in progress. That is why you didn’t hear it. The rest of the malfunctions were caused by a corruption of the simulation data during the jump. Michael and I are currently running a system check,” He lifted up the data pad her was holding. “We will fx the corrupted data and install a new subroutine to force black alerts to be broadcasted and all simulations to be forced to end at that point to avoid this happening again.”  
“Very good Lieutenant, see to it that it is done properly,” Lorca responded, appearing to accept this answer.   
“Lieutenant is my medical equipment fully functional? They aren’t going to turn lethal on me are they?” Culber asked Stamets crossing his arms in front of his chest.  
“Dr Culber your equipment is bug free,” Stamets said, while slowly turning red. “I am going to go and help Michael with the Holodeck program.”

Stamets hurried out of the room, leaving Hugh with a cheeky smile on his face. I had to admire how Hugh could make Mr Know-it-all flustered with everyday words. At least someone could keep him in line. Hell the captain even had trouble keeping him in line at times. 

“Alright Captain sit up on the table so we can get this machine to fix your fracture.” As Dr Culber was talking he began to attach a semi-circle piece of metal and plastic to the table above where Lorca’s ankle would be once he settled down. “I would love to say this will be painless but it won’t be. You will feel some sharp bursts of pain as the affected bones shift back into place.”   
“Wonderful,” Lorca stated, bluntly.

Once Gabriel had settled onto the table, Hugh gently reposition the ankle, double checking that it was correctly position. Once he was sure everything was fine he took the splint off. Then he put two blocks on either side to give Lorca aide in keeping it in the right position.

“First it will analyse the injury and then it will begin the fixing process. In all it will be about ten minutes and you will need to remain still the whole time,” Hugh explained. 

I was sure that the Captain had been through this before but he listened to Dr Culber without interrupting or looking aggravated. Although he did look rather nervous, every time Hugh had mentioned the setting of the bone. A rather painful process I remember from my own experience. 

“Once it is set and healed the bone will still be weak and your ankle will be tender for the next week. You will need to be careful not to over strain it or we may be here again very soon.”   
“Understood,” the Captain’s voice was softer than usual, as he stared at his ankle.  
“I am turning on the machine now, you have ten minutes till you can head out -” Dr Culber was cut off by the sound of him being paged shipwide.   
“Dr Culber please report to engineering, Dr Culber to engineering,” came the computerized voice.   
“Right when I am in the middle of something,” Hugh grumbled.   
“Is there anything that you need to do after the machine has started?” I asked, noticing the conflicted look on his face.  
“Well no …” Hugh stated, his voice uneasy.   
“Commander go to Engineering if anything goes awry the Lieutenant here can pull me out of the machine,” Lorca assured Dr Culber.  
“Yes sir, page me if anything seems off,” Hugh stated as he headed out of the medbay.

The room became quiet, just the hum of the machines running throughout the room. Lorca was staring at his ankle. He look apprehensive about what was about to happen. 

“Gone through this before?” I asked.   
“Yes and it was not a good experience.”  
“Is it ever?”

That got a little chuckle out of Lorca, which was unfortunately cut off by a quiet snap and a hiss of pain. I cringed in sympathy. Over the next few minutes there were several more of these shifts in the bones. Lorca had his hand clenched into a fist so tight his knuckles had turned white from the strain. I wanted to do something to alleviate his pain, but I wasn’t sure what to do. Instead, I watched quietly leaning on a table next to Lorca. 

“Doing okay?” I asked, noticing beads of sweat forming on his forehead. I took a few steps forward towards him, worried that something might be wrong.   
“Yeah just uncomfortable,” Lorca said, his breathing laboured. 

There was a rather loud crack followed by a cut off grunt from the captain. He laid his head back onto the table, his face tight with pain. Then his facial features relaxed and his fists unclenched. Uncomfortable didn’t appear to have been the right word, excruciating seems to have been more accurate.   
I sighed looking at Lorca’s passed out state. He was far too stubborn for his own good, but at least he was relaxed now. I walked over to one of the cabinets and found a dry cloth and walked back to Gabriel. I gently wiped off the sweat that had coated his forehead. I tried to be a light as possible not wanting to wake him up. Lorca’s eyebrow furrowed suddenly and I was afraid that he was about to wake up; but just as quickly they relaxed again. I let out a breathe that I hadn’t known I was holding. I looked down towards where the machine was working. I waited until the lights turned off and a soft ring rang out signaling that the healing process had been completed. I grabbed Lorca’s hand gently.

“Computer,” I called quietly trying not to wake the captain. “Two to Captain’s quarters.”   
“Affirmative.”

One moment we were in the bright medbay, the next I was standing in the near pitch black of Lorca’s quarters. The computer had been smart enough to teleport Lorca straight on to his bed, which left me standing awkwardly by his bed still holding on to his hand. It was lucky that I was holding onto anything as the trip here had messed with every single sense I had. A wave of nausea and a blinding headache hit me. The warmth of Lorca’s hand was the only thing keeping me grounded to this location and time, but only barely. I could smell the stench of human forced into a small area for a long time; it was a rancid scent of urine, body odour and rotting food. It set my stomach on edge.

“You aren’t there Ash,” I mumbled to myself. 

I focused on my surroundings trying to ground myself. The soft blue light of the room, the smell of fresh bedding, and the quiet breathing of the Captain whose hand was warm in mine. I slowed my breath from the rapid gasps it had turned into. As I did the room came into focus once again but the uneasy feeling in my stomach and the headache remained. Must be side effects of the concussion … making me remember things that were better left forgotten.   
Once I was sure I wasn’t going to throw up if I moved, I started to look around the room. To my surprise it wasn’t the pristine and neat quarters I had come to expect with Captains’ quarters. They were usually organized to the point of insanity, looking like no one actually lived there. Lorca’s looked well lived in. The bed was unmade, as if he had tossed the sheets aside in the morning and left them there. The rest of the room was neat, but there were a few food containers around the room. Not exactly starfleet regulations. The most surprising was the puff ball of a life form sitting on his desk, a brown tribble. It didn’t really fit in with the tough guy persona that Lorca has tried to cultivate.   
As if the tribble knew I was staring at it in this dim light, it began to purr softly. I couldn’t help but smile at it.   
I pulled the covers over Lorca tucking him in. Then I started to head to the door. I fought past the nausea that was still setting in my stomach but with each stop my disorientation was getting worse. I made it to the table where Lorca’s tribble was sitting. I held onto it trying to get my balance back.

“A little concussion?” I muttered. “More like a complete nervous system failure.”  
“Mmrp?” The tribble made a questioning noise, as if he thought I was talking to him. 

There was no way I was making it back to my room without a) making a fool of myself in front of the crew; b) I would probably pass out face first on the way leading back to point a. I highly doubt I could even make it back to the medbay which was even closer. 

“Do you think the Captain would mind me staying on his couch till I don’t feel like I am on a never ending rollercoaster?” I asked the tribble who had shifted himself so he was touching my hand.  
“Mmrp!” 

I took that noise to mean it wouldn’t be a problem. Smiling, I gave him a little rub on his head. I prepared myself to make it to the couch, which was only about eight feet away. It could have been a mile with the state I was in right now. I made it but barely, landing with a thump onto it. I felt drained and sore, a feeling that I had become all too familiar with. I knew dwelling on this was a bad idea. I had had many a night since arriving on this ship that I found myself waking up in a cold sweat from memories of L’Rell and the rest of the Klingons aboard her ship. And yet my mind travelled back there as I sat here, to all the pain and fear that I had learned to make my home in order to survive. It is what made me understand why Gabriel refused to get his eyes healed, he needed to remember what had happened; to remember why he why he had to continue, what he owed to the others. I could respect and understand that even when others could not.   
I sat on the couch there quietly, trying to stay conscious; that was a battling I was losing. My eyes kept drifting shut and my mind began to wander. Before I knew it I was asleep and dreaming, remembering.


	3. Memories can be Dangerous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash has a flash back, Lorca is there to help him through it to remind him that people are there for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning there are parts here that hint to the fact that Ash was raped. There was are also some violent scenes.

_ I was running down the halls of the Klingon ship, determined to make it to the shuttle bay. I had waited till L’Rell had fallen asleep and then gotten dressed. I hated what she had done and I hated myself for allowing her. Bile rose into my throat as I thought of it and I had to force my mind away from earlier that day.  _

_ I knew I didn’t have a lot of time before she realized I was gone so I had to move quickly. I had been plotting this escape for weeks, ever since L’Rell had started to take more of an interest in me. I knew even if I made it to one of the shuttles I would most likely be shot down rather quickly, but the small chance of survival kept me running towards those shuttle. Even if I didn’t survive at least I would be rid of L’Rell, rid of the Klingon torturers. That would at least be something.  _

_ I rounded the corner which opened up to the shuttle bay and came to a dead stop. L’Rell and four of her Klingon guards stood in my path, between me and the shuttles. I should have known that getting away from her had been far too easy.  _

 

_ “My little Ash, did you really think I didn't know what you were planning,” L’Rell spoke as if I was a disobedient child. “I am disappointed in your actions, but not surprised.” _

 

_ There was a long pause as I took several steps back trying to distance myself from them, knowing what would happen next. _

 

_ “No no my pet,” she chided. “You can’t walk away from me. I think you may need a reminder of where you stand in this.” _

 

_ The bile that had rose in my throat earlier returned. Not from disgust this time but from fear; fear of what was coming. L’Rell nodded and pointed to me. The klingons at her sides began to move forwards. I knew I couldn’t out run them but I tried anyway, turning around and sprinting as fast as I could. It wasn’t quick enough, soon I felt a stunning shot hit me square in the back. No longer able to move, my momentum took me forward falling to the ground. My arms hit the ground first stopping me from smashing my face into the ground. I kept trying to pull my legs up to make myself as small a target as possible, but they were still numb from the stun and refused to move.  _

_ “Now now Ash,” L’Rell’s voice came from a above me, followed by a swift kick to roll me over so I could look up at her. “I think you have chosen your pain for today. Remember this well, it will be your only warning; try this again and you won’t be doing anything ever again.” _

 

_ Without warning one of the Klingon guards picked me up by the arms and held me in place as another started to punch me. Pain exploded throughout my body and I couldn’t stop the cries of pain from escaping my mouth. After a minute of this I was on the verge of blacking out when I felt a hand lift up my chin, I could feel the blood trickling down the side of my mouth. I looked up trying to act defiant and saw the smile of L’Rell looking back at me. She was enjoying this.  _

 

_ “I don’t think he will be doing this again,” she said, dropping her hand letting my head fall back down again. “Once you are done here take him back to a cell and let him stay there by himself.” _

 

_ I heard her footsteps as she left. Then I was unceremoniously dropped to the ground my knees hitting the floor hard, causing me to gasp then choke on the blood in my mouth. I started to cough but a fresh wave of pain cut into me as the Klingons began to kick me. I curled into a ball, making myself as small as possible, protecting my head with my arms. Pain from each hit was intense, I couldn’t stop the tear falling from my eyes. I just wanted it to stop, letting those words spill from me. _

 

“Lieutenant,” a voice said.   
“Lieutenant Tyler!” The voice called more urgently this time.

“Ash!” This time I knew it was Lorca calling my name. 

 

I was suddenly aware that I was no longer on the Klingon vessel but in Lorca’s quarters on the Discovery. I opened my eyes to see Lorca sitting by me, looking worried. His tribble sitting on his shoulder, making little squeaks as if he knew something was wrong. 

 

“Ash you are safe,” Lorca stated his voice soft and calming. 

 

I could tell I was drenched in a cold sweat. I put a shaky hand to my face and found that I had been crying. Embarrassed I tried to sit up to shrink away from Gabriel but that only made me feel sicker. 

 

“I think I may be sick,” I mumbled. 

 

To my surprise, Lorca didn’t shrink away or make a sound of disgust. He simply got up and grabbed one of the bowls he had on his desk and dumped its contents into another. He sat back down gently next to me handing the bowl over to me. In a very undignified moment I threw up into the bowl, new tears forming on the side of my eyes. Suddenly there was a hand on my back rubbing gently. I was too out of it to react, all I could think of was that it felt nice, comforting. It made me feel safe. 

 

“Bad memory,” the Captain asked knowingly. I imagined he had been through the same many times since the destruction of the Buran. I nodded as he took the container from me replacing it on table.

“The feeling from the stun and the concussion -” I trailed off as the images started to come back, threatening to over take me again. My breathing speeding up again. 

“Ash look at me. You aren’t on that ship. Ash, you are safe with me in my quarters.”

 

I looked to Lorca who appeared extremely worried about me. His face had the same look as earlier in the holodeck. I didn’t know what to make of his concern. I spent so long being in a place where everything was designed to keep you on edge, to beat you into not having hope. They taught us not to trust each other; that anyone around us could turn around and cause us pain or even death. Lorca had seen that for himself with our fellow prisoner Mud. At any chance that man would put you up to be harmed to save his own skin. The last seven months had taught me to fear everyone, even when they appeared to be nice to me. It could quickly turn into hate and pain. This fact made me weary of everyone aboard the Discovery; the Captain included even though he had saved my life, I was waiting for him to turn around and hurt me. I couldn’t seem to stop the suspicion I had of everyone, I just had to hope it would fade with time. 

 

“Ash? You with me?” Lorca asked again. 

“Hmm,” I mumbled.

“Ash don’t go back there right now. Stay with me,” he gently grabbed my hand, his thumb rubbing across my knuckles in a calm motion. 

“I’m here … I think, at least for now.”

“You said the stun made you remember something …”    
“That and the concussion made it worse. Especially beaming here. I was disoriented and couldn’t head back to my room. I am sorry to have disturbed you, I … you should be resting. I will leave.” 

 

I got up to go which turned out to be a huge mistake. My balance was completely shot. The world spun around me as my knees buckled beneath me. I knew I wasn’t going to make it. I waited for the pain of hitting the floor to greet me, instead I felt a hand on my hip and another held my hand as my arm was pulled over Lorca’s shoulder.

 

“Hey there I got you. I you aren’t going anywhere like this.”

“Mmrp,” came a near growl from the tribble, guess he didn’t like the sudden movement either.

“Ash you didn’t disturb me, I was already up. You had been out cold for a few hours now,” Lorca said quietly keeping me upright and still. 

 

Gabriel pulled my tighter to him so I could lean on him more. I was embarrassed by everything that had just occurred; this was just something he could use against me. No that wasn’t right. Lorca wouldn’t do that, it was the suspicion bred into me over the past seven months telling me that. Still I pulled away. Lorca let me but still kept a loose hold until I was back on the couch. 

 

“Tyler I know it is hard for you to trust people when your vulnerable, despite you pretending you are fine around others when there is little risk. I won’t hurt you, I am not going to use this against you. You have been through a lot and it would be naive to think you wouldn’t have memories of it. Your reaction is fine.”

“Mmrp.”

“See even Merkin approves.”

“Merkin?” I asked cautiously still not fully believing what Lorca had said.

“My tribble here is named Merkin. He tends to vocalize his presence a lot,” Gabriel said the tribble gently.

Lorca took Merkin off his shoulder and held him in his hands.

 

“Hold out your hands.”

“What?” 

“Just hold them out Lieutenant, that’s an order,” he said jokingly, almost laughing. 

 

Rolling my eyes slightly I held them out in front of mine. Lorca moved his hand still grasping the tribble forward. Slowly and cautiously Lorca put Merkin in my outstretched hands. Merkin was soft and warm, weighing more than I thought. He purred and nestled into my hand. I smiled at the sensation, which tickled a bit. 

 

“Merkin makes it rather hard to dwell on things that have caused pain,” Lorca said. “He was a gift from a close friend after the Buran incident. I hadn’t been coping well and it showed.”

 

I brought my hands closer to my chest, slowly as to not startle Merkin. I placed him on my shoulder and he immediately settled into the crack between my shoulder and neck snuggling in.

 

“I keep going back to the Klingon ship, to what they did to me, what L’Rell did and made me do.”

 

I was surprised that I made it through that statement without my voice breaking. I just had tears forming at the corners of my eyes. Each time I thought I was going to break down further Merkin purred and cuddled closer into my neck sending waves of warmth throughout me. 

 

“It is understandable, “ lorca spoke softly. “It is going to take a while to heal and how you do that is up to you. But don’t forget that you are safe here. There are people here who want to help you through this because they care about you.”

“Sir?” I asked.

“Don’t act surprised. You don’t think we can go through a life and death experience and I wouldn’t  give a shit about you. But you need to tell me when something is wrong. Emotional when you are ready. Physical issues that is an immediate, tell me or Dr Culber. Don’t give me that questioning look. You knew you were having more symptoms than a mild concussion but you stayed silent. You were just going to tough it out by yourself if you could’ve.”

 

I paled slightly at that statements. Lorca was right I wasn’t going to tell anyone how bad I was. I didn’t want to appear weak though I was at that moment. It would make me vulnerable. There was a constant fight response coursing through my mind. It was an issue that I was ready to tackle just yet, but one I wasn’t willing to. 

 

“I am going to call Dr Culber to check you out here. You are going to stay here until he gives you the all clear.”

“But Si-”

 

My protest died in my throat with the look Gabriel gave me, which promised a lot of trouble it I dared to protest.


	4. The Watch Begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash and Lorca both of issues. It is time they looked after each other.

True to his word Lorca called Hugh to his quarters. Hugh came in looking rather tired; his hair was eschew like he had just been asleep.

 

“Sorry to have woken you Dr Culber,” Lorca said.

“Not a problem Captain. Most of us on this ship don’t know what a full night’s sleep is anyway.”

“I heartily agree with you there. I think we need a second check up on Lieutenant Tyler. He appears to be worse than he let on earlier. Especially after he beamed over here.”

“Well that would be problem a, you aren’t supposed to be beamed anywhere when you have a concussion.”

“Really?” I asked with genuine surprise. “I actually didn’t know that.”

“Do any of the officers read their protocol manuals?” Hugh asked exasperated to no one in particular.

 

At that Lorca gave a hearty laugh. It was a light sound. His face was lit up by the first genuine full smile I had seen on his face. It gave me a warm feeling.

 

“Dr Culber you are dating the officer who was jealous of a tardigrade because it could talk to his mushrooms. He then proceeded injected himself with DNA from that creature and is now very excited about talking to his mushrooms. Yet it surprises you that officers don’t read their safety manuals?”

“When you put it like that it really shouldn’t,” Hugh said with a sad huff, shaking his head.   
“Alright Lieutenant let’s figure out how much more damage you have done to yourself.” 

“I personally blame the mushrooms that Stamets loves so much,” I commented trying to deflect the blame to someone else.

 

Hugh started to bring out a rather large scanner, and pointed it in my general direction. Without really meaning to I pulled back further into the couch, trying to put as much distance between it and me. Lorca place a hand on my shoulder steadying me. I took long slow breaths, remembering that Hugh wasn’t going to use any of his odd medical devices to hurt me. 

 

“Well I may have been wrong about the slight concussion,” Hugh admitted as he put the scanner down. “It appears that the stun also caused some disruptions to your nervous system. You are going to be experiencing some discomfort as it fades through your system. That is probably making your concussion worse, and the transport didn’t help in that. It will also be affecting some brain chemistry, most likely causing higher levels of activity in your amygdala.”

“So we are looking at higher chances of false fight or flight reactions?” Lorca asked.

“Yes that could be one of the side effects,” Dr Culber agreed.

 

I tried to stifle a groan. Like I didn’t already have enough problems with this false reactions, now it was just going to get worse.

 

“How long till this leaves my system?” I asked cautiously.

“I would say anywhere from twenty four to forty eight hours.”

“That’s-” I was trying to express that that wasn’t feasible as I had many things I needed to attend to, but the Captain interrupted me. 

“Thank you Dr Culber. I will see to it that the Lieutenant’s duties are taken care of for that period of time,” Lorca responded. 

“I will be needed to check up on him every twelve hours. I would prefer that he isn’t left alone for the next forty eight hours. I could move him to the infirmary,” Dr Culber spoke to Lorca.

“You guys do realize I am in the room, not a child and nearly fully functional,” I commented trying to get their attention. All I got was a raised eyebrow from Lorca and a disdainful look from Hugh. “Okay shutting up go back to talking about me like I am not here.”

“Tyler can stay here. I will personally make sure that he is fairing well. If anything goes wrong I will contact you.”

 

Dr Culber left some instructions for Lorca to follow, including torture … I mean waking me up every hour as if this was the twenty first century. Once the Captain assured Hugh that he had understood everything that he had been told, Hugh groggily left heading back to his room. Lorca grabbed a bowl and a cup, filling both with water. Grabbing a face cloth from his bathroom he returned to where I still sat, handing me the cup before setting the bowl down on a table next to the arm rest. I drank for the cup gratefully, washing away the taste of bile from my mouth. 

 

“Here,” Lorca spoke quietly as he took the empty cup from me and handed a damp cloth. “Wipe your face with it, it will make you feel better. Trust me on that.”

 

I did as I was told. The cloth was warm, which felt nice on my hands. Gently, I began to wipe my face, taking with it all the sweat and tears from earlier. From across the room Merkin made a loud mmrp to make his presence known to all that could hear.

 

“You weren’t kidding about Merkin liking to make his presence known,” I commented as I handed back the cloth to Lorca. “Thanks, I do feel a bit better now.”

 

Lorca nodded as he took the cloth and put it back into the bowl of water. He got up and walked over o the squeaking Tribble. 

 

“Yeah I know you want to be with us,” Lorca commented to Merkin. “The way you are sounding people will think you are a neglected tribble.” 

“Mmrp,” Merkin squeaked as he buried himself into the Captain’s grasp, getting a chuckle out of him. 

 

Lorca walked over to the closet by his bed. He opened it and grabbed a perfectly folded blanket. He brought it over and placed on the side table with everything else he had. 

 

“In case you fall asleep later,” he answered my unasked question. 

 

Lorca sat down on the couch again, trying carefully not to drop Merkin who had fallen asleep during the brief walk to couch and was snoring softly. He was the loudest tribble I had ever encountered and yet that made me all the more endearing. As I sat on the couch in a uncomfortable silence I felt my eyes started to drift close. I moved to sit up straighter and keep them open but it was a losing battle. I stifled a yawn, tiring to hide how tired I have become. It wasn’t long before I was plunged into the darkness of sleep.

 

~~~

It wasn’t the most restful sleep I had ever had but it was better than many of the more recent weeks. I remembered being woken up a few times by the captain. Most were just a quick check in, although I did have a vague recollection of saying “Fuck you too Captain,” which I think got a chuckle but would probably haunt me for a few weeks. 

Then the nightmares returned. Not a clear memory like earlier just flashes of different things. A mess of colours, pictures and sounds. Images of knives, scalpels I think, fists thrown at me and kicks, red pain, L’Rells face a mask of pleasure and a sneering smile. The sounds of other prisoners screaming in pain, pleads to stop, hoarse sobs from others. The smug voice of Mud, unharmed, gloating. I started to squirm to get away from it, muttering in my sleep. 

 

“Shhh it is okay Ash,” I heard a calming voice. “I got you.”

 

I felt a hand gently going through my hair, and the warmth of a body beneath my head. I buried deeper into the hold and and another arm held me tight. I started to be able to calm my breathing from sharp gasps, slowly returning to normal. I lay there for several minutes longer, trying to stretch out this moment longer, it was calming. I felt safe for the first time in months and I didn’t want to let go of that feeling. So I stayed in the protective hug of Lorca.

After some time, Lorca break the silence. 

 

“Ash?” He asked cautiously. 

“Hmmm,” I mumbled into Lorca’s chest.

“Great now you’re sounding like Merkin,” Lorca grumbled. “It wasn’t enough that you told me fuck off, now you are imitating my tribble.”

“No no I didn’t actually say that,” I groaned. 

 

Lorca let out a soft chuckle, my head bobbing up and down with the motion. I moved my head so I could look up at him. There was a large smile on his, his eyes lighting up with the humor of my embarrassment. I should have been annoyed that my misfortune was bringing him this much joy but the genuine look of happiness on Gabriel’s face made it worth it. It wasn’t that fake smirk he put on to make the rest of the crew think there was nothing wrong and he could handle everything. This was the real deal. 

 

“You did. In your defense though I had to keep waking you up out of a deep sleep. I am sure I would have said something far worse no matter who was waking me up. It could be one of the Admirals and I would have said far worse.”

“It is nice to see you actually smiling and not the fake one you use in front of the crew,” I said before I could stop myself. 

Lorca looked taken aback before speaking. “I think that is your concussion talking. Also I don’t have a fake smile.”

“The entirety of the ship would disagree. Although they will deny it if you ask in case you try to do just that.”

 

Lorca gave me a look that normally would have sent me running but I knew it held no malice right now. Yet we entered a period of silence again, fractured only by the soft purring coming from Merkin who continued his watchful vigil on Lorca’s shoulder. I was thankful that it was Gabriel who offered to watch over me through this. The thought of being in the medbay with all the eyes watching me, judging me made me nervous. I didn’t like to think of the mocking and the probing that would have occurred had I had a nightmare while in the medbay. Dr Culber subjecting me to more tests, and taking me off duty, leaving me with more time to myself and my memories. That would only make things worse.

 

“Captain,” I started but trailed off, trying not to lose my nerve. “Gabriel thank you for all this, for allowing me to stay here. Of understanding my fears and keeping me grounded here.” 

“I take care of my crew,” Lorca said as if to dismiss his role in this.

“No you went beyond that,” I pushed onward. “You kept me grounded. I haven’t been able to push past the nightmares. They have been far worse than that for weeks. But with you here they were kept at bay -”

“You still had them.”

“Flashes but not full memories,” I was trying hard to convince him. “It was different this time. You helped me through this. I don’t know what it is but you keep me calm, keep me here and not on the klingon ship. You don’t make me think of them, like the rest of the crew does. All I can think of is you. Making you proud of me, repaying you for all that you have done for me.”

“Ash,” Lorca said cautiously, his captain’s voice having returned. “You are hurt. You aren’t thinking clearly, your concussion is clouding you mind.”

“No it is not. You are the only one who I can seem to keep myself grounded around. Even when things are going awry. If anyone else had been here when I woke up I wouldn’t have been able to stay connected here, I would have been back on the ship. Hiding from everyone, seeing klingons and enemies around every corner. But it isn’t like that with you. I can push past it with you. I - I -”

 

My voice started to fail me. I didn’t know how to say it, or what I wanted to say. I knew this feeling, and yet I didn’t. I sat up straight, pulled slightly away from him so I could see his face without craning my neck. Lorca was looking away as if ashamed by what I had said. He had curled in on himself slightly. 

 

“Ash … you don’t know … you aren’t thinking straight … You are just connecting to me because I help you from the Klingon ship. This will pass. You will make other friends, meet others you can trust. Better people, not broken and damaged ones. People better than me.”

 

I wanted to smack sense into him then. He looked hurt. I recognized the pain that was embedded so deeply within me. The knowledge that everyone was watching and judging you. That you had been messed up beyond repair. I hated to see him hurting like this, when I had just seen him happy, truly happy. I pulled all the courage I could muster, there wasn’t much there. Hesitantly I stretch my hand out to his face, stopping just before him. My hand shook slightly, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. 

 

_ Come on Ash.  _ I thought to myself.  _ He has helped you, show him that someone cares for him too. _

 

My hand steadied itself. I reached out and touched Lorca’s chin, lifting it so his eyes were level with mine. There was so much pain in his eyes, and shame. Tears were welling at the corner of his eyes. My heart shattered. He was so practiced at hiding it from others, just as I was. I leaned forward and placed a soft kiss to Lorca’s lips. I felt him stiffen under my touch. I paused, fearing that I had pushed too far. Then he soften, pressed into the kiss. I lift my free hand to his check, holding him there, moving my thumb over his cheek. After a moment I pulled back looking at him. Lorca stare back at me, but quickly looked away. 

 

“We shouldn’t,” he mumbled. “I …”

 

I cut off his words with another kiss. I knew what he was trying to say, but I could say the same about myself. 

 

“No,” I said into his lips. “We can. I understand the pain that you are hiding. The pain, the shame just below the surface.”

“Then you understand why we can’t.”

“No that is why it is okay. You showed me that I am safe here, on this ship. But so are you. You are safe here, with me.” 

 

Before Lorca could argue and try to talk his way out of this, I pulled him closer to me. I deepen the kiss that I had begun earlier, running my hand through Gabriel’s hair. Just as he had done to mine earlier to calm me down. Lorca leaned into the kiss, placing a hand on my back and pulled me closer to him. I smiled into the kiss, letting out a sigh as I let Lorca pull me closer. I moved my hand that had been resting under his chin to his back. 

Suddenly there was a squeak. I had forgotten that Merkin had been sitting on Lorca’s shoulder, and apparently so had Lorca. Merkin had started to fall. Lorca laughed, his hand that had been running up and down my back went to quickly grab the tribble in distress. I let out my own sound of distress as his hand left. Quickly he placed Merkin on the table next to the couch. 

 

“Now where were we before Merkin nearly fell,” Lorca asked looking straight at me, his voice hitched slightly. “Oh I think I remember.”

 

Lorca pulled me close with both hands on my shirt, kissing me with more urgency than before. My breath caught in my throat from the surprised at the act. I pressed forward with just as much urgency. I grabbed at his shirt as I fell forward with my eagerness. I pushed one of my hands under Lorca’s shirt, exploring his back. 

We kissed for a bit before breaking off, our breath coming in gasps. I pulled Lorca down so that we were lying down on the couch together. Lorca pulled me in close wrapping his arms around me. I turned around and kissed him on his cheek before settling in. 

 

“Dr Culber will be returning soon to check in on you,” Lorca comment as I buried myself into his chest.

“So?” The words were muffled by the fabric of his t-shirt. “He has to ask for permission to enter. When he does that, we can sit up. Besides I am comfortable and don’t want to move.”

“Fine but if we can going to stay here, stop pushing you elbow into my ribs. I don’t want to be explaining how I got a broken rib this way.”

 

Laughing I turned to remove my offending elbow from Lorca’s rib cage, to a great sigh of relief. That was quickly followed by him pulling me tight into his arms. I felt safe here, for the first time in months. The idea of Hugh walking in and seeing the two of us like this didn’t worry me; earlier it would have been one of my greatest fears. We had both been hurt by the Klingons. Those we cared about had been killed, both of the ships we had served on were now destroyed. But we both had discovery, we had people here who would support us. We had each other. Maybe that was just enough, for us to make it through our memories. Just maybe I could save this captain and Gabriel could save me. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys like this. 
> 
> If there is anything you would like to read next hit me up at: archaeologydigit.tumblr.com


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